What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:57
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What symptoms did you notice before being diagnosed with cancer?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why do men suck dick? Me, I can't get enough
But, we were locked up after school.
I write beautiful poetry .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
How do you handle family members who ask for handouts?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
What is your most intimate experience with your best friend?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Some men love anal sex more than vaginal sex. Why?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were not on the streets..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was seconnd youngest,
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Who then, do I blame.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
I said to her
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im still living with it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
All the time i was locked up.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was in good health!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It was going to be , some day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But ive been too sick for many years..
I couldn’t, believe it.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He knew the spot.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She married twice! .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What did i know ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I will be 64.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Put me off passion for life!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I have no regrets .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My family never makes their pension either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We all went to grammer schools
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Would this be the day?
I don,t even have a pension.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Comes on , in middle age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And i lived it daily.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it wasn’t much.
My life is so biszare .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.